Confessions

This to say the things too hard to say...


It's been almost six years. That's a long time, I know. But there are some things I needed to get off my chest and out of my mind if I have any chance of getting to a state of stability. I feel I can get this out on here with the knowledge that the chance of you reading this is slim to none. That gives me comfort in one sense, and agony in another. Here are things I have been dying to say but have never been able to, some by no fault of my own, and many by complete fault of my own. So anyway, here goes...

For the last six years (I can round up, since it has almost been that long), I have been carrying around a terrible weight. I have often felt like Atlas, believing if only I could get to a point where I could know that you had forgiven me all my wrongdoing, I would be okay. Little did I know, all this long time, that I also need to forgive myself. I have been fighting an invisible fight, a fight between what I know to be true now, and what could have been. I have been trying to reconnect in a way in hopes that I would know, without a doubt, that despite all the hurt and pain I have caused you, you had found a way or means to forgive me. I felt I needed to know that you had forgiven me for breaking your heart, for not trutsting you, for putting too much pressure and too high of expectation on you. That you had forgiven me for seemingly getting over you too quickly, which was not the case. Six years later, perhaps, I am still not quite at that point. People can do very, very stupid things and make the most irrational decisions when they are in a state of confusion and brokenness. Instead of letting God heal the broken parts, I screwed everything up and am positive I only caused you more pain. I am sorry for not giving you the chance you so rightly deserved. I am sorry for not letting you come that weekend when you asked me. I am sorry for pushing you away. And I am sorry for not telling you the truth that day at Starbucks. I would never had wanted to talk to me again either. I am glad that you came, even if I left with a heart so broken I thought it would never mend. I deserved every word spoken in anger and bitterness and I deserved that empty feeling I got when your truck hightailed it out of the parking lot as hot tears streamed down my face. I deserved it all. In truth, I did ask you there because I did want you back. I was too prideful and scared to say it, and I wasn't sure it would have mattered anyway. But I was just too scared to even take the risk. I had always prided myself on the fact that I knew exactly what I wanted in life. But I didn't. I thought I was brave and knew how to handle things, but have spent years figuring out that I don't really know what I want. I knew I wanted you, but I had blown my chance of that ever happening. Yes, that was the real reason I wanted to see you. The bitterness in your voice told me that was never going to be a possibility. I don't know what all you heard. I always wanted to at least be your friend, but deep inside I knew I could probably never be happy being just your friend. I am sorry for not being honest with you. I tried to reconnect after that, for years, wondering if you would ever be able to talk to me again. I missed listening to you, I missed your opinion on things, your gentle way of letting me know it would all be okay. Looking back, those two and a half years have always been the best years of my life, not because they were easy, but because I had someone to lean on. But in turn, I crushed you. I didn't know how to navigate things, didn't know how to rectify things or make things better. I still don't. I have regrets, the number one regret being the fact that I didn't let you come that weekend. That I finalzed things without knowing what I was doing or what consequences I would face. For three days, the tears didn't stop. And for six years, the heartache remains, either because I have not forgiven myself or I am incapable of an explanation. I have learned that I analyze too much. I wish nothing but the best for you. I want you to be happy, to follow what God wants for you, to have love that won't be confusing or harmful to you. I wish every good thing for you and am deeply sorry I hurt you and disappointed you. You did nothing wrong. You were always a wonderful person and I believe you still are. So many things left unsaid, I suppose words will come at the right time. I am sorry for all the tragedy you have experienced and pray you still have hope to hold onto. Forgive me my antics and confusion. I am still a work in progress and have a lot to learn.