Misery, party of one...?

You're here to test my resiliency
How far can you push me down
Before my resolve is given up?
Have I brought this upon myself?
This mess...
Is it self-inflicted?
Is it my punishment for not making plans?
Am I merely reaping the rewards of so many failures and past mistakes?
What next...
What was I meant for?
When I felt like leaving it all tonight...
Wishing I could pinch myself and wake up from this nightmare
Is it a blessing in disguise?
Only time and opportunity will tell
I'm tired of this numbness
Are you calling me to something better?
Did I merely take the road less traveled,
The road of coals?
I'm weary, wanting home
Feeling restless, fearful of
What I may inflict on myself next
I'm amazed by the heartlessness of humanity
And scared to become one of them
The longer I live the more I learn
That I know nothing at all
Should I be a wife by now? A mother? Both?
Did I stray from the plan?
Yes, this was devastating and humiliating
Depressing and hopeless in so many ways
But...
Perhaps I have been plugging my ears and shaking my head for too long
I tasted hope, but not without tears
I tasted hope, but not without fear and uncertainty
Not without pain and loss
But I suppose I have a choice-
To wallow in sadness and depression
or
To dig up my resolve, dust myself off, and stand
I'm not going crazy
I'm not psychotic
I'm not hopeless
No
.... Life is a risk you take...

Midnight

Take your pointed finger
And turn it inward
Did it really end up as you imagined?
It's been so long...
I've felt a vagrant wandering soul
Waxing and waning
Waiting for home
Waiting for colors to reappear
All is gray without you
See how static I've become
Please say it's not just once
I've not moved on, no
Horizons are not as far as you think
Distances from point A to where I'd like to be
Home
For now
I'm left out in the cold
A broken soul
We're all human
And you can't save me from this
I miss your hand
Forgive me my sensitivity
I just miss home
In your arms

Mood music

My mood music lately:
Anchor & Braille- Felt- entire album is soothing and thought-provoking
Three Days Grace- Life Starts Now- entire album offers glimmers of hope and strength in the midst of life's messiness

Music is the best sleeping aid lately when I'm fighting sleep or can't turn off my brain. I tend to go back and forth between a few days of deep sleep and other days when I don't sleep but a few hours a night. And it's not just the caffeine, which I have laid off of and still don't sleep.
Ever feel like it is impossible to silence your mind? I feel that way all the time. All the time.