Misery, party of one...?

You're here to test my resiliency
How far can you push me down
Before my resolve is given up?
Have I brought this upon myself?
This mess...
Is it self-inflicted?
Is it my punishment for not making plans?
Am I merely reaping the rewards of so many failures and past mistakes?
What next...
What was I meant for?
When I felt like leaving it all tonight...
Wishing I could pinch myself and wake up from this nightmare
Is it a blessing in disguise?
Only time and opportunity will tell
I'm tired of this numbness
Are you calling me to something better?
Did I merely take the road less traveled,
The road of coals?
I'm weary, wanting home
Feeling restless, fearful of
What I may inflict on myself next
I'm amazed by the heartlessness of humanity
And scared to become one of them
The longer I live the more I learn
That I know nothing at all
Should I be a wife by now? A mother? Both?
Did I stray from the plan?
Yes, this was devastating and humiliating
Depressing and hopeless in so many ways
But...
Perhaps I have been plugging my ears and shaking my head for too long
I tasted hope, but not without tears
I tasted hope, but not without fear and uncertainty
Not without pain and loss
But I suppose I have a choice-
To wallow in sadness and depression
or
To dig up my resolve, dust myself off, and stand
I'm not going crazy
I'm not psychotic
I'm not hopeless
No
.... Life is a risk you take...