Misery, party of one...?

You're here to test my resiliency
How far can you push me down
Before my resolve is given up?
Have I brought this upon myself?
This mess...
Is it self-inflicted?
Is it my punishment for not making plans?
Am I merely reaping the rewards of so many failures and past mistakes?
What next...
What was I meant for?
When I felt like leaving it all tonight...
Wishing I could pinch myself and wake up from this nightmare
Is it a blessing in disguise?
Only time and opportunity will tell
I'm tired of this numbness
Are you calling me to something better?
Did I merely take the road less traveled,
The road of coals?
I'm weary, wanting home
Feeling restless, fearful of
What I may inflict on myself next
I'm amazed by the heartlessness of humanity
And scared to become one of them
The longer I live the more I learn
That I know nothing at all
Should I be a wife by now? A mother? Both?
Did I stray from the plan?
Yes, this was devastating and humiliating
Depressing and hopeless in so many ways
But...
Perhaps I have been plugging my ears and shaking my head for too long
I tasted hope, but not without tears
I tasted hope, but not without fear and uncertainty
Not without pain and loss
But I suppose I have a choice-
To wallow in sadness and depression
or
To dig up my resolve, dust myself off, and stand
I'm not going crazy
I'm not psychotic
I'm not hopeless
No
.... Life is a risk you take...

Midnight

Take your pointed finger
And turn it inward
Did it really end up as you imagined?
It's been so long...
I've felt a vagrant wandering soul
Waxing and waning
Waiting for home
Waiting for colors to reappear
All is gray without you
See how static I've become
Please say it's not just once
I've not moved on, no
Horizons are not as far as you think
Distances from point A to where I'd like to be
Home
For now
I'm left out in the cold
A broken soul
We're all human
And you can't save me from this
I miss your hand
Forgive me my sensitivity
I just miss home
In your arms

Mood music

My mood music lately:
Anchor & Braille- Felt- entire album is soothing and thought-provoking
Three Days Grace- Life Starts Now- entire album offers glimmers of hope and strength in the midst of life's messiness

Music is the best sleeping aid lately when I'm fighting sleep or can't turn off my brain. I tend to go back and forth between a few days of deep sleep and other days when I don't sleep but a few hours a night. And it's not just the caffeine, which I have laid off of and still don't sleep.
Ever feel like it is impossible to silence your mind? I feel that way all the time. All the time.

Could it be...

Could it be
That though hundreds of miles stretch and separate us
That though years have passed and faded
My heart still beats for yours
Could it be
That all the times others have told me
"Time heals all wounds"
That love stood the test of time
Could it be
That though my lips said one thing, trembling
That my heart screamed differntly, only to come out silent, falling on deaf ears
Could it be
That even after three years
Now after six
A glimmer of hope remains
A spark could still burn bright
Could it be
That though I knew my faith was stronger than ever then
I still expected you to be my saviour
Something you could never be
Something I never should have expected you to be
Could it be
That soulmates really do exist
And I scarred the heart of mine
Could it be
That after many trials and obstacles
Feelings could remain the same
Could it be
That despite words spoken in coldness so long ago
Warmth still exists
If only we weren't scared of it
Could it be my final breath
The one our lives are lingering on
Could it be
A chance to find ourselves again
In each other
Could it be
That absence really did make our hearts go fonder
And stronger they would be even now
Could it be
That after all this time
Of silence so deafening
That words could be spoken again
Could it be
That you still remember my touch, not just my name
Could it be
That we are not as far away as we think
Could it be
Love
Again

A quarter of a century

So today I turned a quarter of a century old. Why does it always sound so much older when it is worded that way? The day felt sad, like the death of 24. The death of last year's disappointment.

I

Torn bruised
Broken abused
Terrible thrown
Feeling alone
Beauty awaiting
Beauty fading
Tired restless
Desiring goodness
Slipping further
They're breathing murder
Quickly undone
Memories come
...
I came
I saw
I splattered
I came
I saw
I shattered
I came
I saw
I collapsed
I came
I became
Ash

Untitled 3

I've never been the patient kind
Pierced...
Head over feet too fast
Perhaps
What did I do to deserve this distance?
What did I say?
What can I say to dismiss this silence?
Yet I wait
As one waits for the bearer of bad news
I pray that it's not
I've been hurt so many times before
So I'm not in need of anymore
Save me from wondering
I just need honesty
The truth is worth it in the end
Your silence isn't soothing
I try not to let it bother me
Help me to wait on You

Black Balloon

Here she lies- a pool of nothingness. Eyes hollow abysses. Moths have eaten away the carrion. Blood streams from placid veins. Checking lost vital signs. Destination nowhere. She remembered the house of cards she built up to block the pain. Shallow. Hollow. Swallow. These walls could easily blackmail. Too easily. A bundle of fear. The taxi cab driver when she wanted to get out at Market. Tick tock went the clock of doom. She waited, but not for this. Her hands let go, bloody. Freefalling. His touch could have warmed her. He hadn't come. Her heart dead. Silent dread. Ghosts haunt, sadly. Untamed emotion. Distraught. Untaught. Chilling whispers. Sealed demise. Alone.

Waiting in Silence

Take this fright
Take my might
Break my will
Hold me still
Waiting in silence for answers
Silence for answers
Amid this darkness
Do I see Your light
As I am searching for answers?
Stumbling in the dark
Where's the switch
From chaos to trust
From uncertainty back to love
From down below to up above
Rough and tumble
That's the way it is
But not the way it has to be
Not the way You're showing me
So soon...
Fade away into the unknown
That's when I know that faith has come
Your love will make my fear undone
Your arms my back brace
Holding me together now
Holding me so I'm not lonely now
Helping me continue this race
The fire's burning, but I'm afraid to burn
Afraid to yearn
For more than I'm capable of
But then there's this love
My soul overtaken
My strength shaken
Only to be replaced by You
My fears to be faced by You
Staring into this unknown
Your love for me has always been shown
Whether I know it or not
Whether I'm aware of it...
Waiting in silence for answers from You
Waiting in silence for answers from You
This waiting is better than struggling on my own
Better than calling the shots
Better than trying to be what I'm not
Falling farther into You
Falling closer to the truth
That I'll find answers
As I'm waiting in silence
Learning this patience
Closing this distance
As I'm waiting in silence
For answers from You

Confessions

This to say the things too hard to say...


It's been almost six years. That's a long time, I know. But there are some things I needed to get off my chest and out of my mind if I have any chance of getting to a state of stability. I feel I can get this out on here with the knowledge that the chance of you reading this is slim to none. That gives me comfort in one sense, and agony in another. Here are things I have been dying to say but have never been able to, some by no fault of my own, and many by complete fault of my own. So anyway, here goes...

For the last six years (I can round up, since it has almost been that long), I have been carrying around a terrible weight. I have often felt like Atlas, believing if only I could get to a point where I could know that you had forgiven me all my wrongdoing, I would be okay. Little did I know, all this long time, that I also need to forgive myself. I have been fighting an invisible fight, a fight between what I know to be true now, and what could have been. I have been trying to reconnect in a way in hopes that I would know, without a doubt, that despite all the hurt and pain I have caused you, you had found a way or means to forgive me. I felt I needed to know that you had forgiven me for breaking your heart, for not trutsting you, for putting too much pressure and too high of expectation on you. That you had forgiven me for seemingly getting over you too quickly, which was not the case. Six years later, perhaps, I am still not quite at that point. People can do very, very stupid things and make the most irrational decisions when they are in a state of confusion and brokenness. Instead of letting God heal the broken parts, I screwed everything up and am positive I only caused you more pain. I am sorry for not giving you the chance you so rightly deserved. I am sorry for not letting you come that weekend when you asked me. I am sorry for pushing you away. And I am sorry for not telling you the truth that day at Starbucks. I would never had wanted to talk to me again either. I am glad that you came, even if I left with a heart so broken I thought it would never mend. I deserved every word spoken in anger and bitterness and I deserved that empty feeling I got when your truck hightailed it out of the parking lot as hot tears streamed down my face. I deserved it all. In truth, I did ask you there because I did want you back. I was too prideful and scared to say it, and I wasn't sure it would have mattered anyway. But I was just too scared to even take the risk. I had always prided myself on the fact that I knew exactly what I wanted in life. But I didn't. I thought I was brave and knew how to handle things, but have spent years figuring out that I don't really know what I want. I knew I wanted you, but I had blown my chance of that ever happening. Yes, that was the real reason I wanted to see you. The bitterness in your voice told me that was never going to be a possibility. I don't know what all you heard. I always wanted to at least be your friend, but deep inside I knew I could probably never be happy being just your friend. I am sorry for not being honest with you. I tried to reconnect after that, for years, wondering if you would ever be able to talk to me again. I missed listening to you, I missed your opinion on things, your gentle way of letting me know it would all be okay. Looking back, those two and a half years have always been the best years of my life, not because they were easy, but because I had someone to lean on. But in turn, I crushed you. I didn't know how to navigate things, didn't know how to rectify things or make things better. I still don't. I have regrets, the number one regret being the fact that I didn't let you come that weekend. That I finalzed things without knowing what I was doing or what consequences I would face. For three days, the tears didn't stop. And for six years, the heartache remains, either because I have not forgiven myself or I am incapable of an explanation. I have learned that I analyze too much. I wish nothing but the best for you. I want you to be happy, to follow what God wants for you, to have love that won't be confusing or harmful to you. I wish every good thing for you and am deeply sorry I hurt you and disappointed you. You did nothing wrong. You were always a wonderful person and I believe you still are. So many things left unsaid, I suppose words will come at the right time. I am sorry for all the tragedy you have experienced and pray you still have hope to hold onto. Forgive me my antics and confusion. I am still a work in progress and have a lot to learn.

Untitled 2

In memories now
You are like a phantom
Haunting my dreams
Haunting my awake times
Whispering in my ear
Replaying past lines that only make me writhe in agony
"Do you remember me?"
I can't escape it
Words are just too powerful
And no one ever told me
Sealed, stamped, bullet
Lodged into my memory
For all eternity
A phantom
A ghost
Whispering away in my dreams
So surreal it seems