Weighty Wait

Restless
I am not good at waiting
For responses from anyone
From Him or him
I second guess myself
Over everything
Not how I want to spend my time
Agonizing, overanalyzing
Wondering what words meant
Or the lack of them
My chest feels heavy
Breathing feels labored
And I cannot figure out why
One moment the words between us flow easily
We smiled
And now we aren't really speaking at all
It's killing me
I pray He would help me let it go
But it is so hard
I want to be positive
To help, to understand, to encourage
You won't let me
So I wait
For Him
For you

My sailor

My sailor
Battle scarred and battle worn
But not without honor
A survivor of the storms of life
Hope is his steadfast anchor
Waves have covered him many times over
His lighthouse never far away
His wars are far more different now
For the strength to face another day
Still he has that sailor will
Liberty hard won
He will be his lighthouse still
Upon his journey home

Yet

I'm giddy
Feeling pretty
My smile stretches on for miles
You produce a heart of joy
And you don't even know yet

I long to someday hold your hand
Though I don't know if it's in His plan
It's you I want to understand
And you don't even know yet

I am becoming smitten
What makes you smile is hidden
A mystery to me
Your soft voice soothing as the sea
And you don't even know yet

I like you
Though it may be forbidden
A friendship beginning anew
Thoughts of you, but not a clue
And you don't even know yet

You have my attention
My ear and my heart
I wish I knew you better
What you are thinking
I don't even know yet

You know my name, my voice
But not yet my mind
You say I am a book you have yet to read
I want to tell you everything, everything
But you don't even know yet

bittersweet

It's bittersweet
When we meet
It shall be for the last time
Together
We weathered many storms
You were the trumpet breaking down my walls
Just when I embraced you
I realized I would face you
For the last time
Such sweet unity
Shared laughter and smiles
Now a few miles
Will keep us apart
So with a heavy heart
I wish you well

When I think about you

When I think about you, you overwhelm my senses
Your memory smells like salsa and sweet strawberries
Ocean breeze
Your memory tastes like the air after a desert rain, subtle and refreshing
Your eyes pierce me in the most calming way
You seek to understand me
You marvel at my words of wisdom
When I remember your smile
Identical in intensity
And that laugh, so easy and content
The most peaceful and refreshing part of my day
My heart sighs with relief
Your easygoing nature, carefree innocence
You throw your head back in pure joy and laughter
Coming to life, we both awaken
A beautiful mind, curious soul
Everything you dream of
I wish for you and even more than you will ever know
You are my inspiration
Thank you

Atlas Endures

Atlas Endures

Under pressure
Literally
A misconception think not I
A punishment for a wrong choice
So they say
But if Atlas shrugged, why can't I?

A burden far too much to hold
Stress breaks the thunderous sky
A sigh of relief, a catapult
If Atlas shrugged, why can't I?

Muscles tense, forward motion
The locomotive of life comes pummeling by
Nothing can stop this endless cycle
But if Atlas shrugged, why don't I?

Atlas Telamon
Condemned to hold the world until he dies
If Atlas learned to carry the weight
If Atlas accepted his fate
If despite his failures, he is considered great
Why, oh why not I?

inner ache

Born to bend, not to break
Still silent from that inner ache
Gently tickled ivories
Memories carried in the breeze
All feels winter now
Cold as snow on top the bough
But not breaking
Only aching
Restless and bones
Ashes and stones
A phoenix arise
A sudden surprise
Unknown, silent, hidden
Melancholy bitten
What is this hole?
The itch only cured by a fulfilled soul
Promised to bend, never to break
Or give up the ghost of the inner ache

The SS Lonelyheart

Rewind, rewind
My battered mind
Scars turned white now
But I remember
Was it raining?
It must have been raining
Hot streams rushed wildly down my face
Jungle precipitation
My lungs constricted
You were so heartless
All I wanted to do was bind us together again
Just hold on for dear life
The relationship window ledge
And I was so unhinged
Heartstrings singed
I couldn't breathe
I left you first you would argue
But words and deeds are not the same
I was never really yours
You were never really mine
We were just pretending
That shoreline was neverending
And how I wished love was, too
We never had it
I couldn't force it
It can't be feigned
And all that remained
Was a lonely vessel at sea
You without me
Just me
The lonely

glimpse

Two eyes meeting for the first time
Nerves tense,but only momentarily
Your eyes locked on me, calmly
Not predatory
And I don't even know your name

We already have something in common
A passion matched in intensity
An absolute admiration
A bravery on your part
And I don't even know your name

I have dreamed of speaking with you again
But this time for longer and more in depth
You have such kind eyes
But I don't even know your name

Maybe I am foolish
For imagining conversations I could have with you
You would be the utmost gentleman
Why didn't I ask your name?

I am no good at this
Trying to melt hearts out of thin air
I just can't get you out of my head
Maybe I am not trying,though
Next time, I swear I will ask your name

Anxiety

Anxiety

You push, you pull, you break me down
This time I am boxing back
My strength, my resolve, my surrender, my will
My sanity is under attack
Paranoia settles in, drips down my lips with contempt
They're watching, they're waiting for me to fail
Mocking the time I have spent
Judging me, under the guise of help
Cruel to be kind, they say
I want to get back to a creative place
Where in I will thrive and stay
Like a boulder or a rolling stone
This anxiety rolls into me
Peace seems abstract and elusive
God set me free

Hope

Larger than life you were
Telling eyes
A laugh that could heartily fill a room
And though I despised you, you had your moments
When you were genuine and kind
Time passed
Years even
And now you are only a shell of what you were
You are tired
A darknesss, an aura of sadness clouds your once happy face
Drained of hope
I want to shake you awake
Convince you it's not over
Life is waiting for you
Hope is waiting for you
Just reach out and grab it
Anchor yourself in hope
Hold on

Wallflower

Carefully pasted in a garden of wood
Moments whispered and wasted, misunderstood
Invisible to the naked eye
But I see everything and wonder why
Glances do not seethe unnoticed by me
And I hear each sigh uttered in misery
Each silent tear rolling down your face
I have been here all along, but have I left a trace?
Uninvited, yet lingering still
Against all odds or against my will
Yet still not one has asked for a dance
Nor the slightest glimpse of sweet romance
Whisking away whispers, a stolen glance
But no one dares to take a chance
A smile is a risk, a conversation
Wondering the cause of such hesitation
Pursuit of safety, free from pain
A wallflower I still remain

The Adriatic Sea

A namesake
Waves wash over me
Sea sounds
Enveloped in peace
Each syllable measured, blue
Not scientific, but prolific
Your gaze piercing in the most calming way
Your brown eyes whispering
Nothing else matters
All is calm
There's nothing else
No one else
My heart slows to the trance of those compassionate eyes
A prescription for peace
You cure the chaos
I swim in your silence
Drown in the deftness of your careful, quiet words
Reassuring
Like ocean calm
Blue like the sea
Guardian gaze

James Dean

Mystery
A strange sort of carpe diem arises
From a single James Dean smile
Black t-shirt, jeans and Chucks
That confident, smoky style

History
Time and Hollywood have warned me
My mind is sharp, my heart is curious
Trepidation showers each glance in my direction
Daydreams cloud, emotions turn serious

Does fate tempt me? Is going under such a blunder?
I can't help but wonder...

Vagrant

I have no home. I am homeless. Home is a place of refuge and comfort, where loved ones share and care for one another. I do not experience this. I experince tyranny and cowardice. I experience hatred and rage, a completelack of emotional control. I am a wanderer. The truest friend I have is my faithful dog. He is my companion. I wish Jesus could be felt, like a real live person. Yes, he was human at one time, ut not in my lifetime. Can He see my tears? Does He feel my pain? I'm not sure.

Ellipsis

Left without notice
What was this?
A break in disjointed youth
Relationship had become an ellipsis
Two roads diverged in a wood and I
I took the one I've traveled by
The fork in the road
What's yet to unfold
Little did I know
What I missed out on
Living vicariously in a way
Living vicariously through each other
Parts, only in parts
Inept and unable to connect
With feelings impossible to be shown
Time is not what we own
Yes, two roads diverged in the snow and I
Have weathered this storm I've traveled by
A storm awaits you of a different kind
So naive and sparkling
A golden ring and suspected bliss
A trail of false happiness
And a relational ellipsis
Eclipse it
Times change, time passes by
And I took the road alone as I
Walked the sand and questioned the sky
Why?
The ellipsis will not be eclipsed by time
The roads will not meet but will wind and bend
Never to meet up again

Asylum

A breaking in the midst
A wanting and waiting
Wading in the waters of well known phobias
An ever present aching
An ache for something more
And all the while screams from six feet below the floor
What used to be renewed
Has now become unglued
Admitted, take me in
Take me under
Commited, make me win
Make me wonder
What is that which sent me here all alone
What left me here in the deep unknown
All is blank, white noise and white walls
Where ink blots turn as Rohrschach falls
What am I seeing now?
New medicines can heal somehow
Secrets...
Antidepressants to alter your mood
They can give me a whole new attitude
Was power not enough to quench the thirst for something more
Iron fists and iron doors
Solitary confinement of a voluntary kind
I sent myself here
Cradled in fear
Which me is really me?
So much left to discover what's right
Just leave me alone tonight
And don't question the motive of my rage
Unless you truly want to engage
In war
Unless you want battle scars of a verbal sparring kind
You can't push rewind
And who's to say you would choose any better anyhow
But for now
I remain unbridled and unmoved
Confident of only this...
My restlessnsess

Vagabond

You spend so much time flying under the radar
But I see everywhere you've been
Cowering under the shadows of streetlights
Afraid to let anyone in

I see you although you're invisible
Casting darkness beneath a silent glow
Whispering secrets under your breath
Pretending that nobody knows

If I could just catch a glimpse of your face
Because I know full well where you've been
You just might give up your anonymous charade
Be persuaded to creep me within

Deep within your shadowy soul
Is something I find so familiar
Yet all you can find among scraps, within dust
Are treasures you swear so peculiar

Quietly you move about
Careful to disregard action
Inward you spin, slowly you drift
In the midst of chaotic distraction

I see you as beyond beautiful
I want to break inside
You have purpose beyond what you know
Strength you cannot hide

Break within and let it out
Find out who you are
There is more to life than mere ashes
There is healing among your scars

Let go of your fears and phobias
You cling to what lies in the depths
Faith is a mystery you've yet to discover
Relearn how to take each breath

Dig your way out of dead man's bones
Release all of those burdens down
Look up! Lift your eyes to the art of the breakdown
Before the chaos of life leaves you drowned

Misery, party of one...?

You're here to test my resiliency
How far can you push me down
Before my resolve is given up?
Have I brought this upon myself?
This mess...
Is it self-inflicted?
Is it my punishment for not making plans?
Am I merely reaping the rewards of so many failures and past mistakes?
What next...
What was I meant for?
When I felt like leaving it all tonight...
Wishing I could pinch myself and wake up from this nightmare
Is it a blessing in disguise?
Only time and opportunity will tell
I'm tired of this numbness
Are you calling me to something better?
Did I merely take the road less traveled,
The road of coals?
I'm weary, wanting home
Feeling restless, fearful of
What I may inflict on myself next
I'm amazed by the heartlessness of humanity
And scared to become one of them
The longer I live the more I learn
That I know nothing at all
Should I be a wife by now? A mother? Both?
Did I stray from the plan?
Yes, this was devastating and humiliating
Depressing and hopeless in so many ways
But...
Perhaps I have been plugging my ears and shaking my head for too long
I tasted hope, but not without tears
I tasted hope, but not without fear and uncertainty
Not without pain and loss
But I suppose I have a choice-
To wallow in sadness and depression
or
To dig up my resolve, dust myself off, and stand
I'm not going crazy
I'm not psychotic
I'm not hopeless
No
.... Life is a risk you take...

Midnight

Take your pointed finger
And turn it inward
Did it really end up as you imagined?
It's been so long...
I've felt a vagrant wandering soul
Waxing and waning
Waiting for home
Waiting for colors to reappear
All is gray without you
See how static I've become
Please say it's not just once
I've not moved on, no
Horizons are not as far as you think
Distances from point A to where I'd like to be
Home
For now
I'm left out in the cold
A broken soul
We're all human
And you can't save me from this
I miss your hand
Forgive me my sensitivity
I just miss home
In your arms